"How are you doing?" It seems to be the standard question, the first question I'm asked. People are kind and concerned about me right now, those who reach out. I answer with the usual, almost expected response. "I'm okay." Okay means I'm managing adequately, I guess. But that's only partly true. There are times when I'm barely okay. To all outward appearances I function normally. I pick up my newspaper in the driveway each morning to read with breakfast. I go through the day doing things that now HAVE to get done quickly. I pick up a few grocery items.
The life I was living before has changed and so I've changed. I go through days perfunctorily. Reality slides in and out. There are times when I just can't wrap my head around what's happened. But those times when I fully understand the blow dealt to my sons and me, I am NOT okay. I am assuming those times will begin to recede. In the meantime, the struggle with reality continues, to be replaced by an acceptance not easily welcomed.
The one thing I'm very sure of is the strength I get from the incredible love of my sons, my family and close friends. That is what keeps me from falling into a place I don't want to go and where my Love knows I needn't be.
So, am I okay? Like a weather forecast, it will be a bit cloudy for the next several weeks with a good chance of sunshine breaking through after that.