Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Another sighting.......

He appeared again this morning, just for a few seconds but it was unmistakeable. I was in bed and I glimpsed him at the foot of the bed looking at me. He was wearing a white tee shirt, his hair a bit rumpled. It was a look I've seen thousands of times before and it was a comforting sight.

A short while later I was reminded of the words from the song, Hello Stranger: "It seems like a mighty long time, so glad you stopped by to say hello to me...."

This was his third appearance in eight and a half months.  After the second one, I hoped these appearances would continue.  Yesterday I experienced real physical and emotional pain for several minutes, again while driving, when my thoughts centered on that day last June. I think he heard me and knew he needed to show up.

The vision, this morning, made me smile.  Please continue appearing, my Darling. I need the smiles.

Copyright © 2018, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved

Sunday, March 4, 2018

I choose to believe

My driving narrative continues.  By now it's evident that driving is an emotional chore for me. I do it as little as I can get away with. And, as with most people, music accompanies me on every trip so as I drive I listen. The lyrics I hear become the story of my life with my Beloved.

The song today was To Sir With Love and the particular lyrics were:  "How do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume".  As I mouthed the words the rest of the song faded as that particular line became a metaphor for our early relationship. And as my mind started to race back to that period of time, I experienced a slight fluttering sensation throughout my body. I felt as though I was being surrounded by Warren's arms and it seemed very real to me.  I even asked, out loud, if he was with me and in my mind's eye I could "see" him smiling at me.

I choose to believe that what I experienced was another indication that my Beloved Warren is truly with me all the time and makes his presence known when I really need him.  My drive today didn't result in the usual tears.  I smiled!

Copyright © 2018, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Why now?

In the past few weeks I've had a couple of days of complete meltdowns. But these were different. I was completely engulfed by a tremendous sense of guilt. And once again, I was driving each time when it hit me. What came racing through my mind was my inadequacy in dealing with our situation. I didn't do enough, I didn't find enough ways to keep him encouraged about what we were doing, I didn't say all the things I should have, I didn't........... I didn't....... I didn't.......

What was so frightening was the physical feeling I experienced. I felt as if my whole body was devoid of oxygen and I couldn't breathe. I became agitated, crying my eyes out and raced to get home before I couldn't see anything at all through my tears. By the time I got home I was breathing so hard I was hyperventilating.

The thoughts that precipitated these guilt-ridden meltdowns have not yet been resolved even though I know they have no basis in fact. I guess this is the emotional price I will pay from time to time unless and until I somehow find a way to feel a sense of peace and healing.

It's been only eight months but it's as raw and crushing today as it has always been.  And I still have no idea why these two episodes happened at this time. What does that say about me? I always thought I was a rather strong person. Perhaps I was and still am in most situations. But in this case, this may be the one area where I'm allowed to cry, scream, question and doubt for however long I need to, even if that's until the cows come home!

Maybe I have survivor's guilt, as a friend so delicately put it to me. Maybe so, but I do have days that aren't that bad and they outnumber the meltdowns. Perhaps the cows are thinking of heading home.

Copyright © 2018, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved