Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Unveiling

We held the unveiling today. Friends and family arrived to support Ethan, Abbott and me. I had put together a small booklet with readings, thoughts and prayers. At the appropriate time, our sons unveiled the stone. Among the lettering were the words, Brilliant, Kindhearted and Punster. Each word was carefully chosen because they had special meaning for us. At the bottom was this line: We Shared A Lifetime Of Love and Laughter.

I had all I could do to retain my composure while I led the readings and the recital of Kaddish and I wasn't very successful at it. But with our sons by my side I got through it. I then asked the group to indulge me while I read the following:

*"As I continue to grieve the loss of my beloved Warren, I keep him with me, hidden deep inside, cognizant of his presence every day and these days it doesn't weigh on me quite as much with sadness. The pain, though, is still there. That has never disappeared. These days his memory is deep in my heart and is as normal to me as breathing or the sound of my own voice. There is no real healing of that pain, but I'm learning how to carry it. I must be a slow learner, though.

*I love it when you talk about him because you aren't just reminding me of him. He's always in my every thought. When you talk about him, mentioning the puns and jokes he came out with so often, talking about his kindness and intellect, you're reminding me that I'm not the only one remembering him, that he was here among us all, that he was so much a part of me and still is, and that he continues to be my other half in everything I do. By mentioning him, you honor his memory and you let me know that he continues to be a part of you, too."
* (Inspired by Lexi Behrndt)

The entire time I felt that Warren was right beside me, his arm around my waist, as he so often did to steady and support me. He was proud of us today.

Copyright © 2018. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved

Sunday, July 8, 2018

He was part Vulcan!

I finally figured it out!  Warren was part Vulcan and he did a mind meld with me before he left. It's the only logical explanation! He often cradled my head gently between his hands, his forehead to my forehead, whispering "I love you" among other things.  "My thoughts to your thoughts." That's what's been happening all these months. 

As you all know, I've been talking to my Beloved ever since..........  And when I do, it's obvious that my mind's eye works overtime.  Everything I say to him has an answer, in his voice. And I can 'see' him as he responds to my comments.


We obviously have a telepathic link between us which lets us exchange thoughts. We become one mind, sharing consciousness, just as we did before. I always knew he had incredible abilities but this........... this....... he was saving for when it was needed.


I knew our connection would never be severed so I'm expecting this mind meld to last forever. 


Copyright © 2018. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved


Thursday, July 5, 2018

The aftermath

I'm swimming in the aftermath of those awakened memories. Reading those wonderful letters my Beloved wrote to me so long ago gave me so much happiness. I had several hours of joy in thinking back to those sweet years when our love was just beginning.

But then the inevitable happened. I had a complete and total meltdown filled with sorrow so intense I was screaming and crying out with a despair so deep I almost passed out. The feeling of emptiness is so palpable and the sadness is overwhelming.

I called a very dear friend in New York a few hours later. Our conversation was intense, comforting and gave me a way to open the valve and let it all out.

This isn't the first time I've had such outbursts. This one was just the worst. I'm okay now, today. But I know these episodes will probably happen again. But, as my friend told me, the anguish has to come out and if this is the process, just let it happen, just let it wash over me.  Good advice.

Copyright © 2018. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways

July 3, 2018 would have been our fifty-second anniversary. I was dreading the day, fully expecting it to be a very difficult one for me. But it turned out to be a rather extraordinary day for me.

I was looking for something and knew it was probably in my hall closet. I'm short so I took a step stool, placed it in front of the open closet and stepped on it so I could reach the top shelf. I started to move stuff around including a cloth bag that was laying there. I thought I knew what was in the cloth bag and pulled it down, placing it on the dining table nearby. I went back to the closet and found what I originally was looking for and took it down.

I sat at the dining table and opened the cloth bag. I pulled out all the letters my beloved Warren had written to me from the time we met (the second time.) I had kept them all. There were dozens and dozens written between February of 1962 through May of 1963, all during his junior and senior years at the University of Massachusetts. But what was also in the bag were all the cards we received for our wedding and all the cards we received for our first anniversary! And among the treasures was the card that accompanied the bouquet of flowers I received from Warren's Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity brothers congratulating me on getting "pinned."

I spent the afternoon rereading the letters, starting with the oldest one. As I read each one, my mind went flying back to that time and the memories were so vivid that I felt as if I was transported back in time. I haven't read all of them yet because each one made me pause as I relived that time, thinking of where I was, what I was doing and what I was feeling. It's as if I was watching, once again, our love unfold.

I looked over the wedding and anniversary cards and couldn't keep the smiles from enveloping my face.

Ethan called today, the 3rd, to check up on me knowing what this day meant to me. I told him about the letters and told him he and Abbott just have to read each letter because it will give them real insight into their Dad's wacky sense of humor, intelligence and storytelling abilities. Abbott and I went out to dinner tonight and I told him about the letters, tickling his curiosity. I'm hoping the boys and I will have a reading-fest during the weekend of Warren's unveiling.

I have several more letters to read but the first one holds the key to our love story. We barely knew each other but his first letter, asking me out, was signed LOVE, WARREN. That, I noticed, was an unusual way to end a first letter but it was an indication of things to come.

So, July 3, 2018 turned out to be a nostalgic day filled with the most exquisite of loving memories. I honestly believe Warren's heart and hand guided me to that bag. He knew what I needed and made sure to provide it. Thank you, my darling.

Copyright © 2018, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved