Saturday, June 8, 2019

June....again!

As the days in June go by, one by one, my anxiety level is rising. I haven't yet learned how to calm my heart. I still wish so many things that can never come to be. My mind floods with pictures, my face floods with more tears, my heart continues to explode with sadness and the crescendo of feelings is rising to a height I can't reign in.

I dread the anniversary. I'm grateful for all the years but I seethe with intense anger and outrage at the circumstances of his final months.

I was doing okay until June rolled around and then the flood of memories of the past few years started to loom over me like some huge tidal wave threatening to drown me with a furiousness I can't control.

It seems to be more difficult this time around because I think last year, on the first anniversary, I was still in shock. Now, I'm just angry, really angry and so this is where I go to get it out. Spilling my guts here helps because as I sit back and look at these words, I am calming down. I don't know how the next few weeks will be for me but I do know I'll be talking to him a lot and his humor, and kind, wise and good counsel will come through, as it always had and always will.  

Copyright © 2019. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.


Saturday, June 1, 2019

I've come undone

When a tragedy hits, the mind tries to protect the heart. There wasn't one moment during the time my beloved Warren was ill that we ever thought he wouldn't survive. And right up until the last minute I held on to that belief.

I recently bought a new computer and migrated all my information from the old to the new. So, I started to review everything on the new one and that included reading old, saved emails. I just about went into shock.

In the almost two years since he passed away, I have pictured him in my mind's eye as looking pretty healthy albeit getting thin, but able to move as he always did up until the last week. And in my mind I saw my thin, fairly healthy-looking, handsome and adorable husband as he'd always been.

In some of the emails, though, my belief faltered and the reality crept into them. I realize now that I was aware of that reality as I emailed various friends who lived in other parts of the country to bring them  up to date.  I don't remember writing them. I have no recollection of anything but the positive outlook we both had throughout the whole ordeal. There were just a few of them but I was frankly shocked to reread them. I was sure that my faith in his recovery was never-ending and so I must have blocked out what deep down I knew! I never gave it credence. Never.

And now I am left with the hole in my heart a little bit bigger than it was before. I've come undone. Now I have to work on not letting that guilt I feel overtake me....because even though I wrote about the reality, I think I truly never believed it. Hope was the emotion and the belief that we both hung onto through all those months and I know we never let that go, not once, not ever.

Copyright © 2019. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.