Why now?

In the past few weeks I've had a couple of days of complete meltdowns. But these were different. I was completely engulfed by a tremendous sense of guilt. And once again, I was driving each time when it hit me. What came racing through my mind was my inadequacy in dealing with our situation. I didn't do enough, I didn't find enough ways to keep him encouraged about what we were doing, I didn't say all the things I should have, I didn't........... I didn't....... I didn't.......

What was so frightening was the physical feeling I experienced. I felt as if my whole body was devoid of oxygen and I couldn't breathe. I became agitated, crying my eyes out and raced to get home before I couldn't see anything at all through my tears. By the time I got home I was breathing so hard I was hyperventilating.

The thoughts that precipitated these guilt-ridden meltdowns have not yet been resolved even though I know they have no basis in fact. I guess this is the emotional price I will pay from time to time unless and until I somehow find a way to feel a sense of peace and healing.

It's been only eight months but it's as raw and crushing today as it has always been.  And I still have no idea why these two episodes happened at this time. What does that say about me? I always thought I was a rather strong person. Perhaps I was and still am in most situations. But in this case, this may be the one area where I'm allowed to cry, scream, question and doubt for however long I need to, even if that's until the cows come home!

Maybe I have survivor's guilt, as a friend so delicately put it to me. Maybe so, but I do have days that aren't that bad and they outnumber the meltdowns. Perhaps the cows are thinking of heading home.

Copyright © 2018, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved

The meltdowns

It's Friday night, Shabbat. I'm hoping to feel a modicum of peace but it doesn't come.  The meltdowns are coming more often and I think I know why.  The days and nights are getting lonelier. A few friends still call. The inquiring emails have trickled down to almost non-existent.

Being alone is affecting me badly. I was almost never alone before. We were such a team for so long, comfortable in our togetherness, always doing something as a duo. Now the 'aloneness' is so difficult. The quietness gives me too much time to think of the loss. The anguish is still so raw.

Time is going by but I'm not yet getting used to this different kind of life I now lead. I hate it. I simply hate it with a passion. I rage against it. Sometimes I scare the doggies with my outbursts. But bless these two beautiful little creatures. When I am almost out of control, they come to me and nuzzle me. They look at me with eyes of concern and then they lick my nose, my fingers, my arms and, yes, that calms me down.  I'm thankful they are with me.

What a different world it is now for me. It is filled with tears that I can't control. I give into them easily. Maybe someday the meltdowns will subside.  Maybe someday.......

Copyright © 2017, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved