Monday, November 25, 2019

Well, it seems I'm not done!

Ha, ha. You thought I was done with this thread. So did I. But my mind swirls with words forming thoughts that always go back to him. After all, fifty-five years of the most amazing, loving and funny memories don't just subside into a quiet place. They keep roaring back every day and I haven't found a way to keep them to myself, nor do I want to. They just spill out like a never-ending waterfall even though I, at times, try to gently tamp them down.

So, I was thinking of all the ways we used to address each other. When we were first married, the most common way we called one another was using Honey or Hon. Those were easy words to slip into. Or we used variations of our names: he became Warrie, I became Remi or Reese. Then we slipped into Love, or as I pictured the word: Luv. We hardly used our given names at all during all those years. When we did use them, it seemed a little strange! And as time went on, we added My Sweetheart and My Sweetie to our repertoire. Of course there were other "pet" names we used that I smile at when remembering but would never reveal them.

All of these were words of the love we felt for each other. "My Darling" came into use much later, especially by me. And now, that loving term gently flits through my mind just about every time I think of him. It's as if it's inscribed on the inside of my heart.

There are actually a lot of things inside my heart. They're what keeps it beating. Beside the words of endearment, there were the gestures, the loving touches as we walked by each other, the shoulder and back rubs, the gentle pushing of my hair back from in front of my eyes, the quick hugs as we passed each other going into another room. There were always reasons and opportunities to touch and they served as a gentle reminder of our love each time.

I am fortunate enough to have saved a lot of his voicemails and in many of them he calls me by those wonderful, endearing names. Along with some videos taken with my cell phone, I can hear his voice whenever I want to and I usually listen several times a week. The sound of his voice gives me comfort and soothes my broken heart for those few fleeting seconds.

The lesson here is: words matter. Speaking lovingly and kindly to each other during all those years brings me warm smiles. But, the one thing I'm really thankful for and brings me a measure of peace were the last words we spoke to each other. We, once again and for the last time, declared our deep love for each other. And that is a memory I cherish beyond measure.

Copyright © 2019 Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.







Saturday, November 16, 2019

A sort of Epilogue, Maybe...or Not

I have written sixty-four previous blog posts since August 31, 2016 about my beloved Warren, our journey through one of  the most wretched experiences humans can endure and the gut-wrenching sadness that accompanied my soul and still, even now, rides alongside me as a never-ending companion.

It has been said that "time heals all wounds" but that isn't really true. Some wounds never heal but they change with time from a wide open, blood and tear-gushing, anguish-filled mental laceration to a barely tolerable white flag cease fire.

Being left with the beautiful, sweet, loving memories isn't always enough. And just because he died doesn't mean that my love has somehow subsided. My love for him is just as strong now as it always has been. My heart always raced when he came into view and it still does when my eyes fall on one of the many photos of him I have around our home. Whenever I see his handsome smiling face, I smile, too.

Every day, as I continue to live my life, I feel his influence, his presence in an ethereal way. One of the things I miss most is his all-encompassing embrace. He was a hugger filling me with warmth, comfort and love when encircled by his arms. I have always thought of our fifty-five year love affair (51 of them married) as being so incredibly wonderful, literally one in a million, blessed with the best.

His life has not really ended for me. It's just a new way I'm teaching myself to look at it.

In all the posts that have appeared before, I have poured out my heart, kicking and screaming, crying and laughing, filled with sorrow and heartache and the most beautiful memories....revealing a road I never thought I would have to follow.

And while I think I have written just about all there is to write about my Beloved Warren, this may not really be an epilogue. He is always on my mind, always in my heart, always walking beside me, always a large part of who I am. I am not me, singular, but part of an extraordinary duo, now concentrated in the actions I take and the decisions I make, guided by our compatibility and love. I don't know if I will continue to post about this journey I'm still on but if something (or someone) nudges me to take to these Warren pages again, I will return and add however many encores about him that still flow out of my heart.

Oh, but I remember that time when ........🤗🤗🤗

Copyright © 2019 Reisa  Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.