Saturday, July 13, 2019

What's a little pain when it brings some comfort

As I travel through my days, usually at home (it's way too hot to be out and about), surrounded by photos of my beloved Warren, my eyes will rest on one of them and a memory floats through my head. A picture of that memory is brought up and that's when it hits me......the pain. It's a fleeting bittersweet feeling because I'm remembering specific times when we were together. However, when I feel that little ping of pain, I feel closer to Warren at that moment. It's almost as if I could reach out and grab his hand. And even though they are bittersweet moments, I welcome them because, for just a moment, I'm transported back to specific happier times. I can hear the sounds. It's like an instant video.

These moments are different from the sweet memories I have and can bring up at any time because these are unexpected. And though they are accompanied by a bit of actual pain in my heart, the visions feel so real and surprisingly comforting.  The visions are clearer and sharper which surprises me.

I wonder if this is an unusual phenomenon that others experience.  No matter. I'm just glad they happen to me.

Copyright © 2019. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Donating clothes--the fourth trip

This morning I gathered more of Warren's clothes, checked the pockets and then made my fourth trip to a donation center to drop them off.  Each time I've done that it's been a highly charged, emotional event for me. The first three times, I sat in the parking lot after bringing the clothes in and had a complete meltdown.  This fourth time I silently wept all the way home. And the rest of this day seems to be a time of deep reflection and remembrance, notwithstanding the fact that yesterday was his second Yahrzeit and tomorrow would have been our fifty-third anniversary.

I came home and stood in the closet looking at the empty space where those clothes were.  Even though there are a lot more of his clothes left to donate, looking at the empty space jolted me like a flash of lightning. I felt that emptiness. And it hurts.......... a lot.

As I sniffle my way through this task I need to keep in mind what Ethan and Abbott told me: "People will get joy out of wearing his clothes and so Dad continues to do good in the world."

Copyright © 2019. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.