Thursday, July 29, 2021

Into the fifth year

 So, I am now into the fifth year of my incredible loss and I'm realizing that I have pushed my immense sorrow deep down into a pocket of my heart, safely tucked way, or so I think. I can now get through most of my waking hours without the feelings of dread and heartache that have consistently wracked my mind and body since my beloved Warren died. It never goes away though, it just changes. 

For a long time I could not face his loss. My anger and bitterness overwhelmed me, mostly because of the cancer that took his life.  He was a very healthy man and this was a punch in the gut that appeared out of the blue, no real warning, no clue....just there in the blink of an eye. How the hell does that happen? Thus my intense anger and rage which has been festering now, for years.

That smoldering anger has ruled my life and, slowly, I'm trying to let it go. I talk to him a lot. I listen to his videos and voicemails because I love the sound of his voice. I close my eyes and see him then. I sometimes smile and sometimes cry. But I'm thankful that I have them.

The apprehension I feel is exacerbated by my hold on the anger. So I continue to look for ways to release it. I've read books, I've talked to people and surprisingly, I've been able to assuage others in similar circumstances although I've not been able to do the same for me. It's disquieting and gives me palpitations but I keep trying. And I realize I feel this way because of the great love we had. I continue to feel that love, every single second that I breathe. 

What I'm really trying to say here is that I'm not the same person I was, I'm really two people: the one who will forever internally mourn his loss with pain, agony, tears and deep sorrow and the other who shows a semblance of calm on the outside, never revealing what's deep down inside, presenting a normal facade to the public. It will never be okay on the inside but it will be okay on the outside. And I consider that another step forward. My ultimate goal is to find some peace. Working on it. 

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