Grief has lingered with me because without it, its absence shuts down almost every other emotion. It defines how I interact with family and friends, how I laugh, how I cry, how I go about my day, how I perform the tasks I have to do, how I live. My entire being has been buried in grief for so long, I have almost lost any semblance of who I am. It is the heavy chain that I live with and carry every day. It is the constant companion that guides my actions and emotions. Since it is now part of my soul and my very being, Grief and I have learned to tolerate each other while we walk down the same road of life as wary and not so welcome friends.
The journey I chose to deal with my grief was to pour my heart out through writing. As I look back through all that I've written, I realize just how therapeutic this exercise has been for me. The anger, hurt, devastation, fright, grief, feelings of tremendous loss - of the love, comfort, protection, happiness that I had known - had to go somewhere or my soul would have shriveled up until there was nothing of me left.
I have written so many posts chronicling first, our journey and then my journey, through the horrendous turn of events that took my beloved Warren from me and our sons. And through it all, I realized that we were never taught how to cope with sorrow when it comes. It feels like fear and I have learned to push it deep within my soul, so far deep that it only pops up every once in a while.
I am still filled with despair but I also am filled with the gratefulness of having had my cherished Warren in my life with his gentleness, his abiding love, his joy of living, his infectious laughter.
I'm so happy to know that I had his love for the 51 years we were married and the 4 years before, from the time we met. There is no past tense here. He was and still is the love of my life and I will love him to the end of forever.
To Ethan and Abbott, Dad has left you a legacy of love, kindness, caring and laughter which, I'm happy to see, defines who you are. I see and hear Dad in everything you do which gives me enormous pride and joy.
And to My Darling Warren, I feel your loss so acutely, still. I continue to hurt and my broken heart will never heal but that must be a sign that my love for you still lives. I am so thankful for all the years we got to walk together, you and I, sharing love and laughter, every minute of every day. For as long as I live, you will be packed tightly within my heart and soul, for I found comfort in your embrace, love in your heart and home in your eyes and arms. And I am so grateful for the thousands of wonderful memories that bring you back to me as I keep reaching back for yesterday.
So, here's to the memories of a life beautifully lived, a love story so extraordinary that it continues to live on and that what mattered most is that I had you and you had me.
Copyright © 2024. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.
