Monday, October 26, 2020

Conversations with Warren ... in my head

 Honey, I used to have red hair. I don't have it anymore. If you were still here, I'd still be a redhead.

I no longer have my nails done. After 34 years, Covid put an end to that and I don't even care.

Please keep us safe. Watch over us and keep us safe. Keep the boys safe and well.

You know, Hon, we talk about you all the time, the boys and I. There is always something that reminds us of you, as if we needed reminding.

Both the guys come out with puns and jokes and the reaction is always the same:  That's a Dad joke! They both channel you a lot. Thank goodness they got your sense of humor! 

Snuggles, I think, is missing you more and more now, ever since Sterling joined you. She now sleeps hugged against your pillow, needing to touch it every night. Ever since you left, she has slept on your side of the bed but she seems to need to actually be in touch with your pillow now. 

Well, it's another Friday night, another Shabbat and I'm not eating my meal at the dining table. I rarely use that table for meals. I occasionally eat my breakfast in the kitchen but you're not beside me anymore so I usually bring the meal to the coffee table and sit on the sofa for most meals. Snugs is always at my side and she's reaping the rewards of being so close. She ends up getting nibbles of my food.

I tried to keep lighting the Shabbat candles but I kept remembering you standing beside me with your arm around my waist as we both said the blessing. It was overwhelmingly sad for me to do it by myself and so I've stopped doing it. Sometimes I mumble the blessing over the challah while I look at your photo. As for the wine, I really don't have any in the house anymore. So, that's done. 

I still bake challah, though. That's one of the few things that gives me pleasure now.

Since this Covid pandemic, we've been doing Zoom Shabbat services via computer. Zoom.... something I'll have to explain to you! It's a good thing I'm in the privacy of our own home because I often am reduced to tears when we sing certain songs. I remember you standing or sitting beside me at services singing them with me and those memories cause me to just lose it. You know I've never been able to hold back tears.

You left several bottles of cologne so I've been using them a little bit at a time. I want them to last as long as possible. The scents make me think you're just in another room. I wear a bit when I go to Abbott's house to watch the Patriots games. It's almost as if you're with us.

Sometimes a really strong memory sweeps over me and I have a physical reaction, almost like I've bumped into you. My heart races for a second or two and then I feel the letdown. So I wonder if you know about that...perhaps in a different universe!

I've misplaced an important document. I know it's somewhere in the house but I've gone crazy looking for it. Do you suppose you can sort of guide me to where it is????

You know, I've gone out to the back yard every night since you left and looked up at the night sky. There has been one and only one very bright star above me for all those nights. I've been imagining that it's you, shining and watching over me. I talk to it. Okay, I'm a little crazy but.... it's a short conversation! And ever since Sterling left, there has been one other smaller star to its left, a little dimmer but definitely there. It must be Sterling's star. At least I'd like to think so. He did, after all, pick you to be his main human. 

I watch that little video of you talking gibberish to Sterling almost every night and I still giggle every time I hear it.

You know, Sweetheart, one of the toughest times of the day seems to be at dusk, when daylight recedes and the light in the living room comes on. The quietness of that time of the day makes me feel pensive and I struggle to get through it because of sweet memories of you or both of us coming home from work and  settling in for the night............. together.  Together.......that's what I miss.

God, I miss you so. I miss your hugs, I miss your embrace. I loved when you encircled me with your arms.

Well, my Love, the conversations will continue...........

Copyright © 2020. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Forever changed

 I look in my mirror now and I see my mom's face. Sometimes I just stare intently and say to that image staring back at me, "Hello, Fannie." Mom used to wear her hair pulled up on the sides with a comb and she made a French twist with the long hair at the back. That was before the name  'French Twist' was even applied to that style! And now I realize I have been using combs in my hair almost like she did, sweeping up my hair on each side.  I don't do the French Twist. I just let the hair hang down. It's now half way down my back. And my mom had the most gorgeous skin. She never needed makeup. She had what she described as having "high color", pink cheeks so she never needed to use blush. I didn't inherit her color, I got my dad's. But I do see her beautiful face staring back at me and silently thank her for giving me a bit of her beauty. 

My hair is all white now, a color Warren never saw me with. I colored my hair most of my adult life, first a dark brown and then I tried a variety of colors. I didn't look great as a blonde or with black hair! But then I went to auburn because I had that color naturally, as did my mother. So, for decades of our marriage I was a "redhead," a color that seemed so natural on me and one that Warren just loved. 

After my beloved Warren died, I stopped coloring my hair. There seemed to be no reason to keep it up and the white had started to creep in. It wasn't long before my whole head of hair turned white, just a matter  of a few months really. That seemed to be record time to me.

So, getting back to the mirror..........  While I stare, I wonder if Warren would love this color on me. Of course he would. He always told me I looked great no matter what I wore or how I looked. He always made me feel beautiful. He always made me feel loved and he always made me feel cherished.

And now that he's not here with me, I talk to his photos, I talk to him while looking in the mirror, I talk to him while staring at the lone star in the sky above my patio and I talk to him in my head. I have been forever changed......... in the way I look, in the way I think, in the way I live. It is such a different life but one thing has remained constant....... the love he showered on me for so many decades still lives within my heart and the love I still feel for him has not diminished at all. We will forever be that loving 'couple' who enjoyed a fifty-five year love affair. And to me, that love affair will continue til the end of time. That will never change.

Copyright © 2020. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.