Thursday, January 17, 2019

From news and commentary to a personal journey

We got the diagnosis on May 20, 2016, the day our wonderful life together did a 180 degree flip. My blog posts became sporadic after that, writing only seven until April of 2017. Two posts, on August 31st and October 29th, alluded to what had befallen us. My mind, my brain, my energy, my thoughts, my attention, and my very being...  all of it was directed elsewhere.  Every breath I took had something to do with overcoming the horribleness that had enveloped our lives.                              

But by April of 2017 I needed an outlet to express what I was feeling and going through. Thus, on April 23, 2017, I changed the direction of the subjects I had been writing about before that fateful day and concentrated on the changes to my life, our lives and everything I had known.

And so, I began my journey of giving voice to the constant see-saw of feelings I was experiencing. There have been 47 posts before this one and each one came from a heart that once was filled with hope and then...... total despair.

I started writing these posts to vent. It gave me a place to lay claim to my emotions, trying to understand them. I poured my heart out here, hoping to find some relief. Many times I did. I was somewhat surprised, though, at how many people read the posts and never commented on them. People seemed, perhaps, not to know what to say. I think a death sometimes makes us incapable of knowing how to react and renders us mute. And that's a shame. If they only knew what a simple acknowledgement would have meant to me.

One of my sons suggested that I find a way to gather the posts and have them published somewhere because the raw emotions and thoughts might help others who are in the same situation and walking the same road. I've thought about it but I have no idea where to begin.

I've re-read all of my posts and marvel at how clearly I was able to get it all out, the sheer rawness of what was swirling in my head, the hope, the desperation, the inevitable, the crashing of dreams, the pain that was all-consuming, and the staggered healing (two steps forward, one step back but sometimes one step forward and two steps back.) The continuing pain that ebbs and flows like an unrelenting tide seems to be the norm now. I truly think it will never go away but since there is no timetable for grief, perhaps it will play out in its own time. And if it doesn't I will carry it, parked deep inside my heart where no one else can see it, until my last breath.

Whether I continue to write in this vein remains to be decided. I write about what moves me but this blog site has become much more personal. Writing these posts has been a way to begin to purge the intense anger, the anguish, and the unbearable sorrow and as time has passed, the intensity of those feelings has lessened. And I hope, in time, that I cry less because he is no longer here and smile more because he lived and loved and left me to cherish his memory.

I have another blog site at Wordpress with the same name: lifeismorethansoundbites.wordpress.com and I've combined the two on occasion. Maybe I'll write on other subjects there and keep this one as it is........... for now,  as long as I feel compelled to document this journey that I'm on.

Copyright © 2019. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.






Saturday, January 5, 2019

Songs in our book of life

I listen to the radio as I drive around town, doing whatever I need to do that gets me into my vehicle. It is sometimes my own personal safe cocoon. The music brings me to places I'd rather be, back in time and those places jump into my mind's eye as clearly as if I was really there.

I listen to the 60's station a lot when it all started and each song is like a chapter of our lives. I wander to the 70's and 80's station with Seriously Sinatra thrown in to "add" to our 'book of life.' The lyrics become the start of conversations I continue to have with him.

It's funny how, when I'm listening to the lyrics of a song, they bring up memories that begin to weave the story of our lives together. Usually it's just one or two lines that get me thinking of where we were, what we were doing when that particular song was popular. Then those memories bring a flood of emotions, many of which make me happy to have had my beloved Warren by my side during those times and for so many years.

Here's a sampling of lines that spark those memories and cradle my heart:

...You made me so very happy. I'm so glad you came into my life.....

...I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.....

...Baby, you're my soul and my inspiration.....

...Another day in paradise.... just you and me....

...God only knows what I'd be without you.....

...I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life. When you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue, for all my life. So happy together..........

...Imagine all the people living life in peace..........

...We are the champions... and... We will rock you (the anthems for our UCONN Women's basketball teams!).....

...I am a woman in love and I'd do anything to get you into my world and hold you within.  Life is a moment in space. When the dream is gone, it's a lonelier place....

...We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.....

...God bless you, you make me feel brand new, for God blessed me with you.............

The tears still fall, silently, and the heart continues to hurt. The magnitude of his loss hasn't gone away but I'm learning how to carry it. I smile because he lived and left me with an overabundance of love and cherished sweet memories from which I draw comfort and warmth and laughter.

Copyright © 2019. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.