Friday, October 13, 2017

Another phase......

I am turning inward. Even though I still talk to him out loud daily, many of my thoughts and comments just pass silently through my mind. Some of my 'thinking out loud' has become soft whispers in my head and those are occurring more often. While I have these conversations in my head, I take no action on conclusions that 'we' come up with.

I spend a lot of time alone even though I do see a few friends once in a while. The calls have mostly stopped and I don't initiate very many anymore. Thus I have more time for introspection. I feel as if I'm in suspended animation.... not really here.... or there, as if I'm traveling through each day in slow motion.  My inclination is to just be.......  I'm becoming comfortable with that.

My life has been smashed into a million little pieces that have flown in every direction with many so far away. Trying to gather them all is a Herculean job. I'm not sure I'm up to it or even want to try to put them back together. Maybe I'm hoping all those pieces will magically gather themselves up and come back to me.  

I have no illusions that this is not a particularly good way to be but it is, for me, at this time.

A  question: When (and/or if) the intense pain begins to lessen, will I feel a sense of guilt? Those of you who have gone down this road - Is there an answer?

©2017reisasterlingmiller

2 comments:

  1. I do not think you will feel guilt because Warren's spirit will never die. You and I
    both know that he would give you permission to feel no guilt. MK

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilt but I'm not sure I could give myself that permission.

    ReplyDelete