Friday, December 1, 2017

A truce

Anguish, heartache and I are trying to come to a very tentative truce. Even after the months that have gone by, their effects haven't lessened very much and it's taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. So, I've read the books and the pamphlets. I've read and listened to the advice of friends and relatives. All were helpful. I'm even getting out of the house a bit more (other than grocery shopping.)

Since I'm now doing all the things that Warren used to do and taking care of the all the things he used to take care of, my 'conversations' with him have become more pointed. My mind races back to scenes of him doing those things and I find myself doing them exactly as he did.

The 'taking care of stuff' is a little different. He had expertise that I don't have in some of our personal affairs and so I'm trying to figure out just how to proceed in these matters. It's a daunting task even though I've reached out for help. What I've learned is from my gut and from remembering our past conversations: not to rush into anything and to take time before making any decisions. He would approve. Though the conversations seem to be one-sided, they are not. Remembering his good counsel is standing me in good stead.

And so I come to the truce. I'm trying to balance my reactions to my memories and tasks at hand and trying to make sure I find a way to live so that I remain healthy physically and emotionally in this new reality I'm living in. The anguish and heartache have not thrown up the white flag but it is within sight. And I'm reaching for it.

It looks like I'm taking baby steps but at least one foot is going in front of the other.

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