As the days in June go by, one by one, my anxiety level is rising. I haven't yet learned how to calm my heart. I still wish so many things that can never come to be. My mind floods with pictures, my face floods with more tears, my heart continues to explode with sadness and the crescendo of feelings is rising to a height I can't reign in.
I dread the anniversary. I'm grateful for all the years but I seethe with intense anger and outrage at the circumstances of his final months.
I was doing okay until June rolled around and then the flood of memories of the past few years started to loom over me like some huge tidal wave threatening to drown me with a furiousness I can't control.
It seems to be more difficult this time around because I think last year, on the first anniversary, I was still in shock. Now, I'm just angry, really angry and so this is where I go to get it out. Spilling my guts here helps because as I sit back and look at these words, I am calming down. I don't know how the next few weeks will be for me but I do know I'll be talking to him a lot and his humor, and kind, wise and good counsel will come through, as it always had and always will.
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