Monday, October 26, 2020

Conversations with Warren ... in my head

 Honey, I used to have red hair. I don't have it anymore. If you were still here, I'd still be a redhead.

I no longer have my nails done. After 34 years, Covid put an end to that and I don't even care.

Please keep us safe. Watch over us and keep us safe. Keep the boys safe and well.

You know, Hon, we talk about you all the time, the boys and I. There is always something that reminds us of you, as if we needed reminding.

Both the guys come out with puns and jokes and the reaction is always the same:  That's a Dad joke! They both channel you a lot. Thank goodness they got your sense of humor! 

Snuggles, I think, is missing you more and more now, ever since Sterling joined you. She now sleeps hugged against your pillow, needing to touch it every night. Ever since you left, she has slept on your side of the bed but she seems to need to actually be in touch with your pillow now. 

Well, it's another Friday night, another Shabbat and I'm not eating my meal at the dining table. I rarely use that table for meals. I occasionally eat my breakfast in the kitchen but you're not beside me anymore so I usually bring the meal to the coffee table and sit on the sofa for most meals. Snugs is always at my side and she's reaping the rewards of being so close. She ends up getting nibbles of my food.

I tried to keep lighting the Shabbat candles but I kept remembering you standing beside me with your arm around my waist as we both said the blessing. It was overwhelmingly sad for me to do it by myself and so I've stopped doing it. Sometimes I mumble the blessing over the challah while I look at your photo. As for the wine, I really don't have any in the house anymore. So, that's done. 

I still bake challah, though. That's one of the few things that gives me pleasure now.

Since this Covid pandemic, we've been doing Zoom Shabbat services via computer. Zoom.... something I'll have to explain to you! It's a good thing I'm in the privacy of our own home because I often am reduced to tears when we sing certain songs. I remember you standing or sitting beside me at services singing them with me and those memories cause me to just lose it. You know I've never been able to hold back tears.

You left several bottles of cologne so I've been using them a little bit at a time. I want them to last as long as possible. The scents make me think you're just in another room. I wear a bit when I go to Abbott's house to watch the Patriots games. It's almost as if you're with us.

Sometimes a really strong memory sweeps over me and I have a physical reaction, almost like I've bumped into you. My heart races for a second or two and then I feel the letdown. So I wonder if you know about that...perhaps in a different universe!

I've misplaced an important document. I know it's somewhere in the house but I've gone crazy looking for it. Do you suppose you can sort of guide me to where it is????

You know, I've gone out to the back yard every night since you left and looked up at the night sky. There has been one and only one very bright star above me for all those nights. I've been imagining that it's you, shining and watching over me. I talk to it. Okay, I'm a little crazy but.... it's a short conversation! And ever since Sterling left, there has been one other smaller star to its left, a little dimmer but definitely there. It must be Sterling's star. At least I'd like to think so. He did, after all, pick you to be his main human. 

I watch that little video of you talking gibberish to Sterling almost every night and I still giggle every time I hear it.

You know, Sweetheart, one of the toughest times of the day seems to be at dusk, when daylight recedes and the light in the living room comes on. The quietness of that time of the day makes me feel pensive and I struggle to get through it because of sweet memories of you or both of us coming home from work and  settling in for the night............. together.  Together.......that's what I miss.

God, I miss you so. I miss your hugs, I miss your embrace. I loved when you encircled me with your arms.

Well, my Love, the conversations will continue...........

Copyright © 2020. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.


  1. You light Friday night candles every Friday when you post Shabbat greeting to all. I look for it each Friday night. Who cares about hair and nails, love prevails. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You had a great love, You are never alone, Warren is alway with you. It’s okay to cry, it is also okay to smile, I bet he loved you smile. When you look up at his star he is smiling and loving you, that is why it is so bright. Sterling wants your attention too!

  2. Thank you for these comments.bYou made me smile.