It's Friday night, Shabbat. I'm hoping to feel a modicum of peace but it doesn't come. The meltdowns are coming more often and I think I know why. The days and nights are getting lonelier. A few friends still call. The inquiring emails have trickled down to almost non-existent.
Being alone is affecting me badly. I was almost never alone before. We were such a team for so long, comfortable in our togetherness, always doing something as a duo. Now the 'aloneness' is so difficult. The quietness gives me too much time to think of the loss. The anguish is still so raw.
Time is going by but I'm not yet getting used to this different kind of life I now lead. I hate it. I simply hate it with a passion. I rage against it. Sometimes I scare the doggies with my outbursts. But bless these two beautiful little creatures. When I am almost out of control, they come to me and nuzzle me. They look at me with eyes of concern and then they lick my nose, my fingers, my arms and, yes, that calms me down. I'm thankful they are with me.
What a different world it is now for me. It is filled with tears that I can't control. I give into them easily. Maybe someday the meltdowns will subside. Maybe someday.......
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