I can't even conceive of me being categorized. I recently had to make a selection and automatically started to place the check mark on the box indicating married. Before I could actually put the pen to paper, I gagged when I saw the other box with the W word. In a matter of milliseconds the thoughts came crashing through my mind: That's not me. I can't be that now. I refuse to acknowledge that. Holy gawd, I'm not one of those. Please, not yet. A feeling of total despair washed over me. It was a visceral reaction.
I think as if we're still a couple. I suppose I do that because I continue to talk to him every day. Visions of my Beloved appear in my head as I see him walking around the house doing the things he used to do, sitting beside me when I eat breakfast or in the car, sitting in his favorite chair in the living room watching the Patriots and Mercury games. Yes, we're big fans!
I have photos of him everywhere so I can catch his twinkling eyes looking at me. Most of the time, not always, locking our eyes brings me a moment of peace. I savor those moments.
I say the Mourner's Kaddish every morning and then I look at his photo and think, "I shouldn't have to do this" because even though it is just me now, I still feel married. I think of myself as a married person, nothing else. I just don't feel the W word applies to me, not now, maybe not ever.
I'll always think of us as a couple, a continuing loving partnership, because he's always at my side and that's just they way it is.
Copyright © 2017, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved
Thursday, September 28, 2017
The W word
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