Friday, September 8, 2017

Some random observations

Sadness plays games with me.  Sometimes it really shows its face and sometimes it's pretty well hidden, lurking under the surface but it's always there. I'm thinking it will never really go away.  The mantra running through my mind is that I will never get over losing my Beloved but I'll learn how to live with it. It's the act of learning that is so damn difficult.

Some days are better than others. I can go about three hours without being brought up short with a flood of memories rushing through my mind. Sometimes those memories are comforting and sometimes they fill me with anguish. I try really hard to concentrate on the wonderful and funny  memories and when I do, I can hear him chuckling and reminiscing with me.

I don't feel comfortable like I did before. His arms are no longer around me and I remember how much he made me feel calm and comforted in times of stress or worry. So now I worry on my own and it's a little like walking on 12 foot high stilts through a gravel pit!

I look around the house and see all the 'stuff' we collected, all the things that made the house uniquely ours. Now, the only things I treasure are the photos, the thousands of photos. And the doggies, my constant, loving companions.

I used to love to drive. I don't much like it anymore because he's not there. We were such a team, always going places together, conversing about a variety of things and laughing as we traveled. I was a captive to his constant punning and no matter how many times I heard those puns, I always ended up giggling.

 I'm still talking to him every day. The words just pop out of my mouth. I discuss sports: the Red Sox and the Phoenix Mercury and how they're doing. Now it's football season and I'll wrap myself in his Patriots blanket as I watch the games and I'll hear him dissect the plays every once in a while. The one saving grace is when I talk to him, it's in private. Public muttering to oneself is probably frowned on!

My days of being busy with finishing up estate details and all that that entails are winding down.  Each step of the way, I asked him if I was making the right decisions. I could hear him, in my mind, affirming those decisions. I guess that comes with how closely we worked together in the office. I learned a thing or two from the best.

Family has been extremely important during this nightmare. They are the glue that has held me together. What I find a bit amazing is the continuing contact from friends through emails and telephone calls. People actually are still checking in with me to see how I am, touching base with me. I'm very grateful for this and delight in these calls and emails.

Life goes on, as they say, but it's a different life. My Beloved may not be physically here, but he's always with me in my heart, in my mind and sometimes there is a tangible reminder that he's sticking around. And that's a good thing.

Copyright © 2017, Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved

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