I can go about my day, doing ordinary things either in the house or driving to do errands when suddenly I am attacked for a few fleeting seconds by trepidation, fear, anxiety, foreboding, unease, dread ........ all words that could describe a feeling I get in the pit of my stomach and in my chest. It happens suddenly, with no warning. It's like that feeling you get when walking into an unknown situation. In those moments I hear the words "he's not here" like a thunderous scream in my ear. Then it's gone. And, yes, it happens when my thoughts are on my Beloved and his handsome face flashes before my eyes and that handsome face, complete with the most beautiful hazel eyes and a totally captivating smile had me mesmerized and totally in love with him on our first date.
If you look at a life, there are so many different stages that we live through. I've described a stage (above) I seem to be living through right now but I've been a daughter, sister, college student, teacher, fiancée, bride, wife, mom, radio news broadcaster and talk show host, law office manager and retiree. Wife and mom were my most cherished roles and they continue to be. My role as wife and lover to Warren has been the joy of my life. The four years leading up to our wedding day and the almost fifty-one years we were married were so unbelievably happy.
And my role as mom to Ethan and Abbott has always been one of complete happiness. Warren and I raised two of the finest young men who ever graced the face of the earth. And I, unabashedly, say they take after their dad.
I've had so many roles and worn so many hats over the years but my current one is not one I want to wear. I can't even write the word nor can I say it. So I don't really acknowledge it. I go through each day alone physically but not mentally or emotionally. I hear his voice in my head, talking to me about things I'm doing. I 'consult' him when there are decisions I have to make. My mind goes back to conversations we used to have and his wise counsel often comes through loud and clear.
We talked, we listened, we discussed. We laughed. It was a loving, exciting, gentle, joyful, intellectual relationship filled with so much laughter. I feel joy when I think of the extraordinary life we had together. We had the best.
Copyright © 2018. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved