Yup, it's still there, the anguish. I've been able to push it way down to the bottom of my heart but every once in a while it bubbles up and then it explodes like a volcano, raining tears and guttural crying like a wounded animal.
It happened today. I went to the cemetery for my first visit since the unveiling. I brought special stones to place on the gravestone and right after I did that, I lost it. In doing so I placed my head on the stone and just let the grief flow, like a rushing, overflowing river. It took a few minutes for me to regain my breath and some semblance of composure. I knew this visit was going to be very difficult and it was. While holding onto the stone, I talked to Warren - about the boys, my daily life, the emptiness I still feel, and some funny memories. The conversation seemed natural and I could hear his responses in my head. I imagine subsequent visits may get easier.
Before I left I placed stones on a few graves of friends who have gone before. Then I came back to my Beloved, whispered "I love you" and then sat in the car for a few minutes just staring at the stone. The line carved at the bottom, "We Shared a Lifetime of Love and Laughter," jumped out at me as if that's what he wanted me to remember from this visit. And so I will.
Copyright © 2018. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.
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