Thursday, October 25, 2018

There is me and there is me

There are two of me, the inside and the outside. The outside me looks normal. I smile and actually laugh on occasion, I have normal conversations, I participate in some activities, I go to the occasional lunch with friends, I watch and cheer mightily for my Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics and Bruins. I interact with my doggies a lot. I go to the gym and have even lost some weight. These are all good things.

Then there's the inside me. Up until recently, the inside me was totally out of control. The anguish, the incredible pain, the heartache was just more than I could bear. The sadness would wash over me like an enormous wave and I felt as if I would drown in it. I couldn't come up for air. But little by little, his voice would come through, at first allowing me to go through the pain for however long it might take and then, in soft whispers, I could hear him in my head telling me it was okay to begin to let go of the anger. In my head thoughts of all the times he embraced me, encircling me with his arms and hugging me close started to become almost real. I remembered what that felt like since he did it every day of our life together.

I have to think what an unprecedented gift it was to be hugged and embraced with extraordinary love through such a long love story.  No matter what anyone else thinks, I have to be luckiest person on the face of the earth to have been so loved by such an exceptional human being. And though I will always mourn for my Beloved, I can now bask in his love as those memories wash over me time and time again. And there is an added bonus: our sons. They are two most extraordinary young men who personify everything good about their dad, from his twinkling eyes, to his sense of humor, his intelligence, his kindness! What proud parents we always were.

On July 3, 1966 we clasped our hands and guided each other through life with unending love, kindness, laughter, compassion, intelligence and happiness. What a way to steer through an over five decades-long love affair. That love affair keeps on going in my heart, in my head, in my memories as they sustain me and help me to become almost whole once again.

Copyright © 2018. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.


  1. WOW! What you have written here should be read before any couple decides to marry. Your description of what love is brings tears to my eyes.

    1. Thank you. I do wish everyone could know that kind of love.

  2. Good for you. You are more than lucky to have had such love for so long; and now you are beginning to move, little steps by little steps, no more wholeness again.

  3. Thank you, Phyllis. What a long, hard road it has been but I keep trudging along and I can see and feel the changes.

  4. Reisa, There is NOTHING more difficult than the loss of a beloved. You are getting though it, day by day. May God bless and keep you as you continue on your journey. Love, Joan

  5. Reisa, There is nothing more difficult than the loss of one's beloved. You are walking through it, day by day. May God bless and keep you on this journey of your life. Love, Joan

  6. Joan, my heartfelt thanks for your words. I am learning to get through this difficult journey, a step at a time.