Those words of endearment: Hon, Luv, Sweetie, Sweetheart, Darling. When you met the love of your life, how long before you were able to ease into using those words?
We started out with just our names, or derivatives of them, then finding some special "pet" names we lovingly called each other. Those lasted throughout all our years together. But those terms of endearment eventually worked their way into our everyday lives as easily and as naturally as breathing. When we used them, it was as if we were being caressed.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I saw an ad for an app that helps you find your quiet place. I live in a quiet place but the quiet can sometimes be deafening. I have resigned myself to the quietness, the feeling of emptiness, the sense that someone's missing, the daily activities that have changed. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in loneliness.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
As I scroll through all the photos and videos on my phone, I remember all the days when life was sweet, loving, comforting, fun and safe. I have memories, through photos, all around me everywhere hoping I wouldn't feel so alone but...memories are great, still sometimes they're just not enough.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
Whenever a memory reduces me to tears, I ask him: "Hey, my Luv. You're so brilliant. Why haven't you been able to figure out how to come back?"
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I've mentioned this before but I still talk to him like he's here because I'm surrounded by photos of him everywhere, the kitchen, the living room, our bedroom. Everywhere I turn I can see him. I even have photos on the dining table. And as I go about my day, the conversations continue. And sometimes, I can hear him, in my head, reply or make a comment. It seems so natural.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I've had 3 working professions in my life: teacher, radio reporter and talk show host, law office manager. But the most rewarding and precious positions I ever had was as wife to the most wonderful human being who ever walked the face of the earth and mom to the two boys who, thankfully, have taken after their dad. Warren had an incredibly brilliant mind in so many areas beside the law, he was extremely kind, he took great delight in being an incorrigible punster and joke teller, he had the widest grin and most beautiful smile and the best twinkling eyes. All of this, I see in our sons.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
As the old song goes, "Good morning yesterday. You wake up and time has slipped away." Time did, indeed, slip away from us. We thought we had a lot more years to love together. And the years that were stolen from us have been ones of sweet memories and screaming nightmares, constant crying and swearing and many smiles at the photos, videos and voicemails.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
Shabbats are the worst for me. I don't light the candles anymore. That was the time we would stand together, his arm around my waist and we both would recite the blessing. I tried to continue to light them but it became too horrific for me. I would shake too much to light the candles and I would end up in a pile of tears unable to complete the task. So I gave up. I don't sip any wine anymore, either. And now, when I make challah, I make very small ones, enough for maybe one meal. And I have barely eaten at the dining table or at our kitchen table. I eat, hunched over, at the coffee table in front of the sofa, usually with Snuggles by my side hoping to share some of my meal. The joy is gone. And, slowly, I'm getting used to this.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
While I have really beautiful memories that sometimes sustain me, the worst memory is the moment of his passing. That scene jumps into my head and destroys me for the remainder of the day. Thank goodness it doesn't happen too often, but it does happen. And it wracks my soul.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I've been taking stock of how I'm getting through all this. I've concluded that as strong as I thought I was, I'm not that person. I've found different ways to cope but intense anger remains. I'm still learning how to hide that anger. When it bubbles up, I try to concentrate on all the kindness, graciousness, humor, brilliance and loving that was Warren's essence. That seems to calm me down, almost as if he's caressing me and whispering that it will be alright.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I have cried every single day since he died. Every.......single.........day. I cannot control that. It just happens.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
While driving, I listen to music. I find my inner antenna catching familiar scenarios and I end up having conversations with the lyrics. The lyrics seem to be coming from him and I answer. Sometimes, the conversations can go on for miles!
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I've put away my dreams which actually were our dreams. They're locked up in a figurative box that now no longer has a key. And the box has been shoved deep, deep down into one of the millions of pieces of my broken heart.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I'm missing an essential piece of my everyday life. There is no substitute. And that just cuts me to the quick.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
When is this continuous dwelling of his fight and passing going to let go of its strangling hold around my heart? And when will I learn how to handle it better than I've been able to do? I'm afraid the struggle, the sadness and the emotional upheaval will continue. Everyone's reaction is different but that's just the way it is with me.
𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘𐩘
I continue, but my heart sees happiness in every conversation with our precious and wonderful sons. Abbott and Ethan continue to help me retain my sanity and bring much of Warren's essence into my life through their love, humor, smiles, caring and good counsel. They both inherited all of Warren's wonderful traits: they are an extension of him....Warren's gifts that keep on giving. And I know how lucky I am.
Copyright © 2021. Reisa Sterling Miller. All Rights Reserved.
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