Sunday, July 9, 2017

The Question

"How are you doing?"  It seems to be the standard question, the first question I'm asked. People are kind and concerned about me right now, those who reach out.  I answer with the usual, almost expected response. "I'm okay."  Okay means I'm managing adequately, I guess.  But that's only partly true.  There are times when I'm barely okay.  To all outward appearances I function normally. I pick up my newspaper in the driveway each morning to read with breakfast.  I go through the day doing things that now HAVE to get done quickly. I pick up a few grocery items.

The life I was living before has changed and so I've changed.  I go through days perfunctorily.  Reality slides in and out. There are times when I just can't wrap my head around what's happened. But those times when I fully understand the blow dealt to my sons and me, I am NOT okay.  I am assuming those times will begin to recede.  In the meantime, the struggle with reality continues, to be replaced by an acceptance not easily welcomed.

The one thing I'm very sure of is the strength I get from the incredible love of my sons, my family and close friends. That is what keeps me from falling into a place I don't want to go and where my Love knows I needn't be.

So, am I okay?  Like a weather forecast,  it will be a bit cloudy for the next several weeks with a good chance of sunshine breaking through after that.

Friday, June 30, 2017

I whisper

I have begun to whisper, softly at first, then a bit louder so that I appear to be talking to myself. And I am indeed, although it doesn't feel like that to me.

The crowd has gone and I am now left with the solitude. As I go about the daily act of living, everything has changed.  Yet, I don't actually see the change because I whisper to him all the time.  He is there, in a faint outline sitting in his chair, in a feeling I get as I walk through the home we shared, in responses to my musings as I go through the day.

Conversations continue and they don't seem to be one-sided.  I can hear, in my mind, his comments, observations, and repartees because we knew each other so well.  I wouldn't mind if this occurrence continued forever.  It brings comfort to a very broken heart.

His presence is very powerful right now.  It may dissipate somewhat in time but our connection is....was so strong, I know he'll always be there, by my side, whispering in my ear as I whisper back.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Where is the repair kit?

The name of this blog is  LIFE IS MORE THAN SOUND BITES.  Here's a sound bite:  CANCER SUCKS!   My heart is breaking, piece by piece, and I can't find the repair kit. Hopelessness has snuck in where hopefulness has been residing for many months. It doesn't stay too long. I won't let it but it does get in every once in a while.

We have been married for almost 51 years.  It's not long enough. We promised each other that we would grow old together.  We still need to grow much older.  On this journey that has been thrust upon us, we have found unknown depths of strength and hope and positivity rising up through the veil of anguish, fear and anger.

I hang my hope on what might be termed "inner strength" to will an  outcome that will crush, once and for all, the cancer that has invaded our lives.  I scream in the car and rail against the circumstances we find ourselves in.  The tears flow now and again, just not where they can be seen.  It's the only release I have.

There are so many different days we are living through: days of hope when things seem to be going okay, days of doubt when something new or unexpected pops up, days of calm when things have remained the same, days of anger when too many ugly thoughts invade my mind.  The yoyo of emotions plays on and on.  Nevertheless, hope springs eternal and that is something we will never give up.  We are sustained by the love and support of family and by those friends who have remained in contact.  And even though I'm not much of a god person, I am extremely grateful for all the prayers, mishaberahs, rosaries and supportive thoughts and actions coming our way.  This kind of a circle of support helps immensely, calming our minds and hearts.

HOPE and OPTIMISM continue to be the words we live by. There is no other alternative.

Cancer: the scourge of humanity. May it rot in Hell.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Why I've been quiet...

I haven't written a blog post for several months because my mind has been engaged in more serious matters.  Without going into specifics, I've become a 'helper', putting my heart, my soul and my mind into it with the hope that this road I'm on will lead to a happy destination.

As a result, I've tried to limit the attention I used to pay to the horrible things trump and his minions have done, are doing and will do to destroy the United States and all she has stood for.  I keep up with the 'news' quickly and fleetingly and then my attention is quickly diverted to more important, immediate things.

It's a fine line I walk right now but one I willingly traverse and am totally committed to seeing it through to it's happy conclusion.

Life doesn't always go the way you plan or expect it to. But you always have a choice about how you view the circumstances that are dealt to you.  I choose to have an absolutely positive, uncompromising and confident attitude that I know, without a doubt, will bring the desired outcome.  And when that time comes, and it will, I won't have to write about it. You will hear me shouting my joy and happiness as if I was standing right next to you.

I'll be back to this space from time to time.  Writing here affords me some quiet and reflective time. That's something we all need.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Nightmares - Trump style

Nightmares are a funny thing. I don't mean in a "giggle" kind of way.  Nightmares can be terrifying. In my lifetime, I've had a few and they occurred when I was an adult. None of them lasted long enough for me to remember them with any clarity.

However, in the last few weeks I've had recurring nightmares about Trump. Each time I've had one, it lasted much more than a fleeting few seconds, more like a few hours. And it caused me to actually wake up, get out of bed and walk around the house to try to calm down. I would venture to say that I'm not the only one experiencing this.

Donald Trump is, indeed, a nightmare. He has the vocabulary of a three year old, the attention span of a flea, the vindictiveness of Idi Amin, the traits of Adolph Hitler, and the 'sophistication' of a gutter rat.  He exhibits no intellect, no compassion, no humaneness, no understanding of the Constitution or the laws of the United States.

He only understands MONEY.  He claims he knows lots of words but MONEY is the only one he cares about.  His 'brain' cannot accept reality so he lives in his own lying world of deceptiveness, double dealing and hypocrisy.

He's appointed people to his Cabinet who have no experience for the positions or who have nothing but disdain for those departments. They will decimate every Cabinet department to the point where they will be useless. Republican vengeance against all the Democrats have accomplished will render this country ineffectual and akin to a third world country where women, LBGTQ, the poor and working class, Blacks, Latinos, the disabled and non-Christians are relegated to second, third or fourth class status.

Trump's presidency will be riddled with corruption, idiocy, and reprisal against his perceived enemies. He's already labeled those who voted against him as his enemies.

What could go wrong with a great country being led by a racist, misogynistic, bigoted, wage-stiffing, intellectually-deficient, money-grubbing, pussy-grabbing, thin-skinned business failure who would rather whine like a brat while he Tweets!

So, do I have reason to have these nightmares?